Voltron: Disenchantment
by Books-R-Better-Than-People
Summary: Lance is the rebellious prince of Altea who wants to have a little adventure. When he meets a Galra and an Olkari, he gets more than be bargained for


(We journey to the magical kingdom of Altea, a kingdom soon to be ruled by Prince Lance when he marries a princess.

In the Prince's Bedroom, Coran enters, and draws back the curtains to let in some light)

Coran: Rise and shine, your highness! It's your big day! Hope you got your sleep. (He walks over to the bed and removes the sheets, only to find a tied up squire)

(Gasps) Ugh! He did it again!

Squire: Please, let me go on a crusade! Anything's safer than guarding that beastly prince!

Coran: I bet I know where he is.

(We journey over to a pub in the village, and in there, Lance the prince, wearing common clothes, is playing cards against Rolo)

Rolo: All in. (He piles gold coins on a mound of even more gold coins)

Lance: (Puts his crown on top of the gold coins) Call.

(Rolo holds up two sixes and two twos)

Rolo: Two pair. (Is about to take the coins)

Lance: Not so fast. (Holds up two cards that have pictures of him) Three me's.

Rolo: That's only two.

Lance: One, two, (Points to himself) me. (Stabs a knife on the table) Money's mine.

(Rolo turns the table around and grabs the knife)

Rolo: Not when I got the knife.

Lance: (Scoffs) (He takes a drink of beer, burps loudly, grabs his crown, and stabs Rolo with it causing him to drop the knife. He throws the knife at a wall, nearly close to hitting an Altean) Sorry 'bout that! (He puts the coins in a bag) Later loser, I'll be on my way. (Someone grabs him from behind)

(Rolo is about to punch Lance, but he ducks and Rolo punches the man instead. Soon it leads to an all out bar fight. They eventually corner Lance, but he gets an idea, and throws the coins in the middle of the room causing everyone to go for them. He ducks down in the crowd making sure to avoid Rolo and makes his way to the door)

Lance: (Exits the pub) See you guys tomorrow. (He turns around to see Minister Shiro)

Shiro: You've had your fun. Now it's time to get married.

Would Your Highness care to get in? (Gestures to a palanquin)

(A minute later, Lance is seen tied up under the palanquin and Shiro is sitting in the chair. They walk through the village as Alteans are greeting the prince)

Male Altean: Morning, Prince!

Female Altean: Lovely day, sire!

Male Altean in stocks: How's it hanging, Prince? Sorry I can't make your wedding.

Lance: You wanna switch places?

Male Altean in stocks: No, I'm good. Enjoy your special day.

Lance: You, too.

Mage: Morning, Prince. Care to try my new cure-all? It wards off deadly plague.

Lance: I'm actually hoping for death.

Thanks, though. (Sees a statute of his father) Gah! Quit judging me, Dad!

(Back in the palace, King Alfor is in the throne room, inspecting the wedding cake)

King Alfor: Mmm. This one needs royaling up.

More columns, more frosting.

(Sees the groom and groom statuettes) And neither of these looks like me. Make them both look like me.

Then, get rid of one! (The bakers wheel the cake out) And where is my drunk of a son?!

(They enter the throne room with Lance still tied to the palanquin)

Lance: Ugh. Cakes. (To Alfor) Did you make sure to add extra frosting?

Alfor: Of course, I- Hey! Where were you?

Luxia: Oh, I understand, darling.

On my wedding day, I also had seahorses in the stomach.

I shouldn't have eaten so many.

Lance: (The guards untie him, he drops to the floor, then gets up) I just wanted to have a last bit of fun before the "happiest" day of my life.

Alfor: Silence! The delegation from Puig arrives at any moment.

Take off those common clothes and come down looking like a prince!

Lance: As you wish, Father. (He takes his jacket and shirt off, then walks out the room while a few people steal glances)

Alfor: Anybody looks at him, they get their hand chopped off.

(Everyone covers their eyes)

Young Maid: (She enters being oblivious to the king's orders) Oh, boy, did I look at him!... What?

(Lance's room: A maid is helping him get dressed for the wedding. She fits him with a white tunic with blue sleeves)

Lance: Great. I have to wear this thing and pretend I'm a virgin?

Maid: It's tradition, sir. Thirteen generations have worn this.

Lance: All this wedding hassle for a stupid political alliance? I thought that I'd get married for true love, or because I was wasted.

Maid: Lots of reasons to get married, sir. I got married for a goat.

Now, let's hurry.

The prince will be here any minute to marry you and, time permitting, meet you.

(Front of the castle: Alfor, Luxia, Allura, Shiro, and Adam, the mage are waiting for the Prince)

Alfor: (To Luxia) Eh? Huh? How do I look? Spiffy, right? I had the dogs lick me clean, twice.

(Running horses can be heard from a distance. They arrive pulling a long, regal carriage)

Herald: (trumpeting) Announcing the King and Queen of Puig, Zeenon the First and Ryla.

Alfor: Welcome, Your Highnesses.

My new King-and Queen-in-laws. Or should I just call you brother and sister?

Zeenon: Oh, no formalities needed. (Shakes his hand)

Herald: And their son, hero of the Battle Against That Bird That Flew Into The Room One Time, groom-to-be, Prince Taylo of Puig.

(Taylo steps out the carriage wearing a blue tuxedo, and a silver crown)

(Everyone gasps at his beauty)

Luxia: Va-Va voom! (She blows heart-shaped air bubbles)

Alfor: You never do that to me.

Taylo: (Bored) Let's get this over with.

Zeenon: ... Such energy.

(Lance's room. He is seen looking out the window, looking forlorn)

Lance: (sighs) I hate this feeling.

Maid: (Brushing his hair) Sobriety, sir?

Lance: No, I just feel like my life is ending. I can't even smile.

Maid: Don't worry. We'll make your cheeks look nice and rosy. (Puts leeches on his cheeks)

Remember: Serfs rouge. Nobles leech.

Lance: You ever wish you could live in a place where people are really, truly happy?

(There is such a place. We journey to another kingdom, Olkarion, where citizens are seen enjoying themselves by building homes using mechs forged from trees using their magic, the younger Olkaris are practicing their magic, and everyone is singing)

It's a ha ha ha and a hee hee hee

We're as happy as we can be

Olkarion is the place we'll never flee

Our minds are blank

But our hearts are free

We work all day and we sing with glee

We drink all night, uncontrollably

It's a ho ho ho and a hee hee hee

Listen to us whistle adorably-

(By the assembly line, Pidge is seen turning bark from trees into arrows, and watching them go down an assembly line, where at the end, a handsome male Olkari kisses them and gives them to bird-like creatures. She gets an idea. She lays on the assembly line, approaches the male Olkari, and he kisses her on the lips passionately. Tree bark starts piling on them as they continue kissing)

Superviso: Katie! Kylo! No tummy touching! (They stop kissing and emerge from the tree bark) Kylo, save your lips for the arrows.

And, Katie, it's like you don't appreciate your assembly-line job.

Pidge: It's Pidge. Yeah, uh, it's kinda not the one I wanted.

I'm kinda not always happy? (The Olkari gasp)

Olkari: But we're singing.

Pidge: Yeah, singing while you work isn't happiness. It's mental illness.

Ugh! I'm sick of being happy all the time.

Just once, I wish I wish I could go somewhere where people are miserable.

(Back at the castle in the dining hall, Lance, now wearing his prince clothing, walks by the gift table and notices a small box on top of one of the presents. When he looks away, he hears thumping, and looks back to wear the small box is, or was. He turns around, and sees the box on the floor)

Lance: What is going on with this gift? (He picks it up)

Gruff voice: Open the gates of- I mean, the ribbon...

(Lance does so, and the flames of the candles go out. Just when Lance thinks things couldn't get any weirder, an eye appears inside the box)

Voice: Prince Lance, you are hereby cursed from the deepest depths of the underworld!

Lance: What?!

(Purple smoke surrounds the room, and Keith emerges in his Galra form)

Keith: You look great, though. Nice to meet you. They call me Keith.

Lance: Guards! Guards!

Keith: Shh! Shh!

Lance: A freaky Galra is attacking and complimenting me!

Keith: Shut up! Silenzio! (Covers his mouth) First up, don't call me that. I'm half Galra, see? (He shifts to his human form)

Lance: (Muffled) You're half Galra?!

Keith: Yep. Get used to it, 'cause you are stuck with me for all eter... (Lance pushes him and he tumbles down the stairs) ... Nity.

(At a hidden temple, three female Galras are looking over a flame that shows Lance and Keith)

Acxa: And so the Galra binding begins.

Zethrid: Yes, our emissary will steer her towards the darkness. It may take months, even years. So, we'll need chairs.

Ezor: Dark chairs.

(Back in Olkarion, Pidge and Kylo are seen kissing in Kylo's room. Pidge gestures for a mouse to blow out a candle, then she and Kylo begin making out in the dark)

Kylo: Oh, Pidge, you're so naughty.

Pidge: Why is everyone always saying that? Just because I'm not happy all the time doesn't make me a weirdo. (Sees an Olkari spying on them from the window)

Hey! Get outta here, Weirdo! (He leaves)

But it's like you do the slightest thing here, and everyone freaks out.

Kylo: Mmm-hmm.

Pidge: It's like they all have branches up their asses.

Kylo: Oh, yeah. (Kissing sounds) Your whining really turns me on.

Pidge: There's more where that came from.

We spend all day making candy to earn candy.

It doesn't make any sense!

Kylo: You're so sad. You're a sad little Olkari! (They continue kissing)

Ryner: (She opens the door to Kylo's room and sees him and Pidge kissing) Kylo! What the Quiznak is going on?

Kylo: Nothing, mother!

Ryner: Katie? This is the last straw. You're going to be punished.

Pidge: What are you gonna do? Give me a paddling with a big branch?

Ryner: This is serious. You'll be hanged from a tree.

(A while later, Pidge has a noose around her neck, and the end has been tied to the branch of a tree)

Olkari: (Singing) Hanging Katie from a tree

A strangly-dangly activity

(Samuel and Matt walk up to Pidge)

Samuel: Oh, this is all my fault, Katie. I got something to tell ya.

Pidge: Dad! Matt!

Samuel: Well, it's gonna take a while, so let me pull up this chair. (He takes the stool Pidge is standing on, sits down, and Pidge is now swinging from the noose, while Matt tries to steady her)

Pidge: Hey!

Samuel: Now, what was I saying?

Pidge: Ow!

Samuel: Oh, yeah, it all started when I first laid eyes on your mother.

I mean, hands.

I couldn't keep them to myself, and all of a sudden, she gave me a right hook, and I was in love.

Pidge: (Still swinging from the noose) Dad!

(Back at the castle, Lance tries fighting off Keith with a mace, but he dodges each swing)

Lance: I'm already cursed enough.

I don't need some Galra-Human hybrid making my life worse.

(He is about to hit him with the mace, but he moves aside, and he ends up smashing a vase)

Keith: That's no gent's mace.

(Lance corners him in the Iron Maiden, and locks him in, but as he turns around, he sees Keith behind him)

Keith: Yeah, look, you're stuck with me forever, so just take a deep breath and- (He pushes him down the stairs again) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Objects clattering)

Lance: And that, my friend, is how one returns a gift. (He turns around and sees Keith, without a scratch on him)

Keith: If you don't calm down, this is gonna be a long forever.

Lance: (sighs) Okay, you win.

(Back in Olkarion, Pidge is still hanging from the noose, and is still alive)

Matt: Guys, it's been two vargas. I told you, Olkari are too light to hang.

The last guy we hung died of old age.

Ryner: Fine. Stab her!

(An Olkari forms a dagger from a tree, and is about to stab Pidge, but Kylo stands in her way)

Kylo: Father, stop! You can't just kill every guy or girl that kisses me.

Ryner: Sure I can.

(A few Olkari back away. Matt grabs the Olkari's dagger, and uses it to gut Pidge down)

Kylo: Run, Pidge! Run far away!

Pidge: Come with me! (She and Kylo run away with the other Olkari chasing after them. They eventually make it to the gate. Pidge takes a few steps, but Kylo stays behind) Kylo, you've come this far.

Don't you want to see the outside world?

Kylo: Pidge, I've never said this before, but I can't go all the way.

Ryner: Katie, no! (The other Olkari arrive) It is forbidden.

Katie, I warn thee.

For centuries, no Olkari has ever left Olkarion.

Pidge: Except Leavo.

Ryner: Speak no more of Leavo! Please don't open it.

All will be forgiven as long as you obey the Jolly Code.

Pidge: Ugh, screw the Code!

I wanna taste something other than nature, and kindness.

I want to cry salty tears, learn bitter truths.

I want to take a big, meaty bite out of life and dip it in something sour!

Ryner: These are the ravings of a crazy person.

(Pidge pulls a lever, and a drawbridge opens. She takes a few steps out)

Ryner: Take one step further, you're on your own.

No Olkari has ever returned, not even Returner.

Matt: Pidge, you'll die out there.

Pidge: … Matt, I'd rather die a big death than live a small life. (She walks further into the forest, and the drawbridge closes. As it does, the drawbridge disappears, and there's only forest)

… Wow. For the first time in my life, I feel completely calm and- (A bird-like alien swoops down, grabs her, and flies off) Aaahh!

(Back in Altea)

Lance: My own personal half-Galra. So, you'll do my bidding?

Keith: Uh, no.

Lance: I'm a prince, I can't do my own bidding. How are you even useful?

Keith: Okay. Hmm. You know that voice in your head that says to do the right thing? I'm the person yelling over it.

Yeah, I'm the one that makes you feel good about doing bad things.

Lance: You're like a terrible friend?

Keith: I never said I'm your friend.

(They walk in the throne room, and look at the cake)

Lance: (sighs) Look at this cake.

It's not even about me. It's about the stupid alliance.

Keith: Shame you're a prince and too dumb to do anything about it.

Lance: … Who are you calling dumb?!

(He does something to the front of the cake) How's that for dumb?

Keith: Not bad. Now let's get outta here.

(The two run away laughing when they hear the doors open)

Sal: I think you'll be very pleased with the revised cake, Your Highness.

Alfor: (Inspecting the cake) Nice likeness.

Competent latticework.

Moving down, sugar columns seem structurally sound. Back looks good.

And just a cursory glance at the bottom tier.

And it says "Get Bent, Dad." Isn't that- What?! Lance!

(Lance and Keith are running down the halls, still laughing)

(Pidge is still being carried by the alien bird)

Pidge: So, this is life outside. I gotta say, it's pretty cool. I'll probably get to see new forms of technology, I'll see new faces, new species!

(The bird drops her onto a field) Hey! What the quiznak?! (She looks around, and sees an Arusian hiding in the grass) Hi. What're you up to.

Arusian: Busy. We're at war here.

Pidge: What's war?

(More Arusians emerge from the grass with weapons, and catapults. Huge rock monsters appear from across the field with battle axes. An Arusian blows a horn, and they engage in battle. The rock monsters appear to be winning, but the Arusians rise up and are able to beat them, while also getting killed in the process. Pretty soon, everyone is dead, and Pidge is staring in shock)

Pidge: ... Well, I like war, but I wouldn't say I love it. (She picks up a pouch of coins, then goes over to an Arusian with a sword in its back, and takes it out. She doesn't notice a rock monster approaching her from behind. The rock monster steps on a battle axe handle, causing Pidge, who was standing on the blade to be flung upwards, and she stabs the rock monster in the eye)

Oh, quiznak! I'm glad you can't see this. (She lets go of the sword, and lands on the battleaxe handle, causing it to fling upwards, and hit the rock monster on the head, knocking him out)

(Back in Altea)

(As Lance and Keith are walking around the castle, they bump into his step-mother)

Lance: Ah!

Luxia: Oh, sweetie. Tonight is wedding night, so is time we had a talk.

I know I am not your mother.

Lance: Please don't.

Luxia: But I do have sex with your father.

Lance: God, Luxia. Ew. I do not need a sex talk from my stepmother.

Luxia: Tonight, you will be expected to perform your husband duties.

I mention because it was difficult for me with the tentacles.

Lance: I don't have tentacles.

Luxia: Your husband will have tentacles.

Lance: What? Are you trying to say-

Luxia: I don't know. Just leave your eggs on the nightstand and get out of there.

(She leaves, and Lance looks out the window at the church)

(Back with Pidge, she continues walking, but stops when a carriage speeds past her. Next to her is a sign that says "Royal Wedding: Your presence is requested, your presents are required", and it's pointing in the same direction the carriage went)

Pidge: Hmm. (She looks both ways. When no carriage are seen, she takes a few steps forward, but a few horses, followed by a carriage speed by her. She narrowly avoids being trampled)

Ugh. I should've grabbed something to eat before I left. (She looks across a field, and sees an Altean farmer working in the field)

(Later, she's seated in the kitchen/dining room of the farmhouse with the farmer and his wife)

Pidge: I'm Pidge, by the way. What's your name?

Farmer: We are but humble people.

We have no names, but you can call me Farmer.

Farmer's Wife: (She sets a plate of food in front of Pidge) Our food is not flavorful, but we humbly offer it for your sustenance.

Pidge: Are you kidding me? This stuff looks amazing. All I've ever eaten is leaves, bark, and berries.

Farmer: Leaves and bark? Are you a king?

Pidge: (scoffs) No. (She takes a bite of the food) Mmm!

Farmer's Wife: I am sorry our food will bring you no joy.

Pidge: This is delicious!

Farmer: I beg you. We are far too humble to receive praise.

Pidge: I can't help it. You deserve praise.

Farmer: We deserve to be beaten with our food.

Pidge: (laughs, and continues eating) I would rather eat it. It's so incredibly good!

Farmer: Now you've praised us too far. You must leave our humble home!

Farmer's Wife: Get out, praiser.

Pidge: (She leaves) Thanks again! It was delicious!

Farmer: You're ruining our lives!

(In Altea, royal carriages ride through the village and up to the church as people wave to them and throw flowers. Once they arrive, the royals step out their carriages and walk up to the door so they can take their seats and view the wedding)

Herald: Announcing King Alfor, Queen Luxia, Princess Allura, and- Who cares?

(In a Church dressing room, Lance is pacing back and forth in his wedding outfit, while Keith relaxes)

Keith: How long is this gonna last?

(Grabs a bottle of wine and pours himself a glass)

Lance: That's communion wine.

Keith: You could use some, though. (He pours Lance a glass)

Lance: ... I really shouldn't.

Keith: Times when you really shouldn't are exactly when you really should...

(A few minutes later of drinking)

Lance: Drinking wine with a half-Galra.

Not exactly the wedding day I wished for. (He looks out the door, and sees his family seated)

I'm supposed to be surrounded by people I like.

I don't even have my real mother. (He looks over to the statue of his mother)

Keith: Who needs a mother when you've got groomsmen?... No groomsmen?

Lance: No.

Keith: How about friends?

Lance: Uh-uh. Only drinking buddies.

Keith: To drinking buddies. Better than groomsmen. Better than mothers.

I was raised by a pack of drinking buddies. And I came out perfect.

(In the church, the wedding has started)

Coran: Dearly beloved, as we stand here in this overly large building, designed to make us feel small and inadequate, we ask the robot, Voltron we think is real, to watch over us if He, She, or It is even capable of things like watching over us-

Shiro: (Whispers to Adam) This religion is still in its early stages.

Coran: Nobody knows anything for sure, but if I talk with confidence, you dolts will believe anything I say!

(Alfor enters the dressing room)

Lance/Keith: (Drunk, laughing)

Lance: Whoa! Pops.

(Stammering) I'm just kicking back with my new purple cat.

Keith: Me? (Lance nudges him) Meow. That's what cats say, right?

Alfor: I'm not here to answer cat questions.

Now get up and make your dad proud, you drunk.

(Lance flicks the crown off of Alfor's head)

Are you trying to make a jerk out of me?

Lance: Hehehehe. Yeah.

(Back with Pidge, her escape pod lands on Altea, just outside the castle)

Pidge: ... Whoa.

(Back to the wedding)

Altean Minister: Do you, Taylo, most Exalted Prince of Puig, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Taylo: I guess.

Altean Minister: Okay. And do you, Prince Lance, a single man, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Lance: ...(Looks to his father, who nods)...No! (He throws his ring away and it lands under a throne made of swords. Taylo goes to retrieve it, but a sword impalas his head as he bends down)

Taylo: Ah!

(The crowd gasps)

Lance: I-I didn't mean for that! I am so sorry!

Shiro: (Inspects Taylo) ... He's dead.

Taylo: Uh, I think I'm still alive!... No, wait. Nevermind.

Woman: I want my gift back!

Alfor: Wait! Wait! Wait! (stammers) Don't leave! (To a knight) Stab that lady.

(Goes over to Ryla and Zeenon) This wedding is all messed up.

Zeenon: We've got to save the alliance.

Alfor: What are we gonna do?

Ryla: We've got another daughter.

Alfor: Why didn't you say so? What's her name?

Zeenon: (Stammers) Quiznak… Uh, Lezon.

Ryla: Lezon.

Alfor: Okay, watch this. Here we go.

Everybody, sit down! (Everyone goes back to their seats)

(clears throat) In consultation with Taylo's grieving parents, we've decided the prince can still marry.

Lance: What?!

Alfor: Presenting Taylo's younger sister, the new heir to the throne of Beetlejuice, Princess Lezon.

(Lezon walks down the aisle)

Lezon: Don't be sad, everyone. He would have left her for me anyway.

Taylo: Uh. Actually, I'd be fine if someone could just slide my head up a bit.

Altean Minister: Hush! There's a wedding in progress.

Do you, Prince Lezon of Puig-

Lance: You gotta be kidding me. Father, you can't make me-

Alfor: The king can make anyone! You do. You do. Say "man and man."

Altean Minister: I now pronounce you man and- (door creaks open)

(The crowd gasps when they see Pidge)

Pidge: Uh. Hi, I'm Pidge.

(chuckles) What are all your names?

Lance: Hey look! An Olkari! Pay attention to that!

Alfor: What the heck is that?

Shiro: An Olkari.

Adam: A magical Olkari.

Alfor: Elves haven't been seen in centuries. Imagine the possibilities.

Adam: With Olkari magic, I could progress far beyond card tricks!

Alfor: A shiny gold coin to whoever seizes the Olkari!

(The crowd goes into a frenzy trying to seize Pidge. The guards closed the doors and draw their swords. Pidge runs under the crowd, but steps when she stands in front of a male Balmeran)

Balmeran: Oh, I'll get you, wee Olkari! (Pidge goes under his tunic, then runs back out. The Balmeran falls to the floor in pain)

(With all the commotion, Lance backs away slowly, and tries to open a door, it's locked. He sees the stained glass window and gets an idea. He grabs a female Altean's veil, wraps it around his hand, and punches the glass a few times, making a hole, and allowing him to escape. He pulls two knives out of his boot, and scales the wall until he reaches the ground. He puts the knives back in his boot, but then hears screaming. He holds out his hands, and catches Pidge)

Pidge: ... Hi.

Lance: Hey.

Keith: (Smoking) So how'd it go? (Lance and Pidge run away) That good, huh? (He runs after them)

(Back at the temple, the Acxa, Zethrid, and Ezor are still spying on Lance and Keith)

Zethrid: The wedding is ruined.

The young Galra is performing exquisitely.

Acxa: (Sees Pidge) But look. There's a complication. They've been joined by an Olkari.

Varkon: (touches the flame) Ow.

Ezor: It's fire, Varkon.

Varkon: It's hot.

Ezor: I know. I was there.

(Back at the church)

Shiro: (To Alfor) The Olkari as left the building with prince Lance.

Lezon: No worries. I'm an expert hunter, and I'll track down the man I love. Keep the champagne chilled.

I shall return before the last uncle passes out.

Alfor: My Knights of the Oblong Table will aid you.

Knights! (Three knights walk up to him) Pendergast, who are your best trackers?

Pendergast: That would be Stryker and Bolt, sire.

But they're lost, so, it'll be Turbish and Mertz.

Turbish: We won't get tired by this time.

(Lezon and the knights mound their horses, and ride off to find Lance and Pidge)

(Lance, Keith, and Pidge are in the village, still running. Pidge is lagging behind)

Lance: It was sweet of you to wreck my wedding, but you're kind of slowing us down.

Mind if I give you a ride? (He picks up Pidge)

Pidge: Mind? I don't mind at all. (She smells his hair)

(Lance and Keith run further into the village, but stop when they see knights approaching them from every corner. Lance then gets an idea when he sees the pub. They go inside, and see Rolo putting gold coins in a pouch)

Rolo: Well, it took all day, but I finally got my winnings- (Lance runs past him, causing Rolo to drop his pouch, and the patrons go for the gold coins. Lance and Keith run out the back door, and run down an alley until they reach a dead end)

Lance: Oh, no. (He looks behind him, and sees the knights, and Lezon)

Keith: Stand back, chumps. Watch as a non-chump chumps these chumps. Although, I suggest you cover your eyes. (He pulls out a red sword, and Lance and Pidge close their eyes. Only punches and slicing sounds can be heard) Okay, chumps, you can look now.

(Lance and Pidge uncover their eyes, and see Lezon and the knights passed out on the ground)

(Castle war room)

Alfor: Before today, we had neither riches nor magic.

Then today, for one blessed second, we almost had both.

Jester: And now you got bupkis!

(Alfor gestures for the executioner the dispose of the jester. He does so by throwing him out the window)

(Lance, Keith, and Pidge have taken a horse-drawn wagon out of Altea, and are being followed by Lezon and his knights. When they arrive to the forest, one of the knights shoots a flaming arrow at the wagon, it catches on fire, so Lance grabs Keith and Pidge, jumps out the wagon, and roll down a hill)

Keith: Ow, ow, ow!

Lance: Ow, ow, ow!

Pidge: Ah! (grunts) Why me?

Pendergast: No one could survive that many tumbles.

(Lance, Keith, and Pidge run away laughing)

Lance: Get bent, suckers!

Pendergast: Oh.

(They arrive in the enchanted forest, it gets darker then further they walk in)

Pidge: I've never had a nightmare. Is this one?

(Distant trumpeting, they see the knights, and look nervous)

(When the knights arrive, they look at their footprints, they stopped right where they stood)

Knight: The footprints stop dead right here. Where did they go?

Lezon: Only one place they could have gone.

Start digging.

Turbish: I have a theory. Maybe they went up.

Lezon: I won't even dignify that with an upward glance.

(Turns out they did go up. They're sitting in a tree, watching the knights ride away)

Fairy: Hey, there. I haven't seen you in this tree before.

Lance: A fairy? Maybe she can help us.

Do you do magic?

Fairy: Sure, I've done a trick or two.

What do you have in mind?

Lance: I was forced into a wedding, and I wish I had my freedom to-

Fairy: Hey, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Wishes sound free. I don't do free. But you look like sweet kids.

You ever heard of the Wishmaster?

Keith: No.

Fairy: An old girlfriend of mine used to work the mountain.

She said this Wishmaster guy was the real deal.

Thataway. (She points to the left)

Lance: This is so helpful. How can we ever repay you?

Fairy: Cash.

Pidge: I got this. (She sets the pouch of coins she collected from the battlefield on the branch)

(Later that night, the trip is still walking through the forest)

Keith: Cool night air, sky full of stars… This sucks. How much further?

Lance: It's getting late, guys. We'd better stay here.

(They gather a few sticks, toss them on the ground, then Keith pulls out a lighter and sets the sticks on fire)

Lance: Okay, so if we get three wishes, I want to be in charge of my own destiny, to have my mom back, obviously, and to find a girlfriend or boyfriend who's a great listener.

What do you wish for, Pidge?

Pidge: To be a great listener, have unlimited tech,

and whatever that thing is you said about your mom.

Keith: I would get rid of all the diseases plaguing mankind… And replace them with worse ones.

Ooh! And make Pidge die alone.

Pidge: Hey, he's making fun of my dreams!

Keith: That's what friends do.

Lance: We got a long journey in the morning.

Let's get some shut-eye. You two sleep down by my feet. I call it the friend zone. (Keith and Pidge do so)

Keith: Get comfortable, Pidge. You ain't never getting outta here.

Lance: What's this weird feeling I don't want to drink away?

Pidge: That's hope.

Keith: You know what Galra say? "Hope is a nope." Well, good night. I'll be entering your dreams tonight in the form of a laughing skull.

Yeah, that's me. I'm not sorry about that. (He falls asleep and shapeshifts into his human form)

(The next morning)

Lance: (He stirs a bit in his sleep) Mmm. (He wakes up) Guys, hey! Wake up. (Pidge and Keith, still in his human form wake up)

Pidge: (Sees Keith) Who's he?

Keith: What? (Sees that he's still in his human form) Oh, yeah, sometimes I do this in my sleep. (He shifts back to his Galra form, much to Pidge's shock)

Pidge: You're a hybrid?!

Lance: Come on. We've got a long way to go to the Wishmaster's lair.

(Pidge points to a wooden pulley-operated elevator that leads to the Wishmaster's lair)

Lance: Oh.

(Later, they're about halfway to the Wishmaster's lair, but Lance is the one doing all the work by pulling the rope)

Lance: I wish you guys would help.

Keith: Save it for the Wishmaster.

(They arrive to the Wishmaster's lair. As they go inside, they see the Wishmaster, an old man, meditating)

Wishmaster: Seek ye me?

Lance: Yes, are you-

Wishmaster: The Washmaster.

Lance: Wait, the what-master?

Wishmaster: You heard me. The Washmaster.

People far and wide seek me out to wash their clothes. (He pulls a tunic out of a bowl of water. Lance looks around and sees clothes hanging on a wire)

Lance: No!

Pidge: Well, now we know something we didn't know yesterday.

(The doors open, and Lezon arrives with his knights)

Lezon: Ah, there you are, my love.

I've come to take you back to our wedding...

(Lance, Pidge, and Keith run out the door. Lance shuts it, and puts a nearby shovel through the handles so they won't open. They run over to the elevator. Lance turns the crank, but the elevator isn't the only thing that comes up, the blind rock monster was on the elevator! They run away, and the rock monster blindly looks for them. The knights try to break down the doors, so the trio backs up to a cliff, while being careful not to falls)

Lance: ... Ah! I might as well give up and accept that I'll never be anything more than a wealthy king of a fabulous, magical, faraway kingdom! It's my destiny!

Keith: … That destiny sounds awesome.

Pidge: Lance, no! You are handsome, and your skin is so soft, and your hair smells like cinnamon, but you're wrong! Pardon my language, but destiny is baloney! Your future is not foretold. It's what you make of it!

Lezon: He's right, my love. Let's make a future together.

I've loved you since the moment you killed my sister.

Give me your hand in marriage, Lance...

Lance: ... Get bent! (Flips Lezon and the knights off. He grabs Keith and Pidge's hands, then jumps off the cliff where they fall for a few tics)

Lance: ... (to Keith) Are Galra magic?

Keith: Myeee… No. All I can do is shapeshift.

(To Pidge) What about you? Aren't Olkari magic?

Pidge: We can only manipulate different materials. Aren't Alteans magic?

Lance: All I can do is change my skin color, blend in with my surroundings, and change my size… I don't think I can fly…

All: ... (screaming)


End file.
